These few days, I have been having a conflict inside me. I don’t know how to act like myself, and there are times where I have acted irrationally like I was high on drugs. My social skills were everywhere and I’m sure I pissed a few people off these past few weeks. It has been tiring to keep everything at bay, and I took some time, a lot of time actually, to sit down alone in an unoccupied tutorial room at school just to hide away from the crowds.
At work, I try not to be myself. I try not to be the serious person I always am, often overthinking about life and problems that are trying to sink me to the deep ends of the seas. Oftentimes, I act like a kid at work, because I refuse to see reality while I am at work. I take those hours I clock in to escape the truths back at home and at school. Other than the salary, work became an avenue that I could make mistakes without feeling guilty. It was not that I wanted to intentionally make mistakes, like making the wrong pizza order or screw up order-taking, but it was more of acting a person not my age. Perhaps some of my colleagues think that I am insensitive in doing so, but I have my reasons which may or may not be explained in this post.
Oftentimes I hide behind the experiences and journeys I have been through, like the USA trip. It was a platform for me to show the love I have for traveling and cultures. It just gave me ample space for me to avoid talking about my problems. Of course, I fall into a relapse and just give up at times. However, that occurs only once or twice a month, and the persona to hide away my problems has kept a /more or less/ strong barrier. It may seem like I am a rich person, which I am not, and perhaps an educated person, but it depends on which paradigm you’re arguing from.
It’s rather difficult to explain. Sometimes I just want to hide behind the skills and hobbies I have. Rather than the friends that I have, because I just want to keep my relationships with them as pristine as possible.
Sometimes I don’t know when I am truly myself. Who is the real me? I oftentimes question myself. Is it an ability for me to be both persons at the same time? Why do I react differently towards the same person but at different times? Sometimes I feel so conflicted, and back then, it came almost to a point that I did want to give up everything, even my life.
It isn’t as bad now, but sometimes I still wonder why I am still in this precarious situation after so many years. I’m hitting 20 this year, and is this the identity crisis that people have been talking about?
“Thinking I’m a moron gives people something to feel smug about,” Charles Wallace said. “Why should I disillusion them?”
This is my all-time favourite quote from A Wrinkle in Time. Honestly all the quotes in that book are fabulous. That aside, I feel that I disagree with the question Charles puts forth. I feel that there will come to a point where I will disillusion myself. Am I a moron? Or am I truly a human being who is sensitive to her surroundings?
I’m still rather conflicted at the end of this posts. It’s almost 3AM, I completed 2 readings and a tutorial assignment. I’m not sure if I am supposed to look forward to the weekends where work is waiting so I can jump into a persona to escape the real world, or should I just give it up altogether.