Depths of Darkness, Tadaima

I’ve been running away from who I am, or more exactly, was, recently. It’s a past that I am not proud of, and a present that threatens to annihilate my very being. It controls me unconsciously and every time I seek for help, something clamps my mouth.

That’s the darkness in me, threatening to claim my being.

I tried to suppress the very deep and dark parts of myself by being the opposite – jovial, nonchalant, neutral. But it tires me out easily. By easily, really easily. I tend to stay at home to recuperate because it’s not my nature to be outgoing.

It’s difficult to tell why I cannot move past this darkness, because it is a part of me. I cannot run from this forever (and someone dared me to hide from him).

It’s very easy to do that. Because I’m tired of being something I am not. I don’t like the darkness even though it cloaks me. It contains hate, suicide, visual repercussions of narratives that are gore and painful to describe. But it is a part of me, and I can hide.

I’ve been trying to run away from the darkness for far too long. Being a part of it hurts me a lot, but I have a feeling being far away from it hurts me more.

Darkness, tadaima.

. I took anti-depressant pills for a certain period, but I stopped. I guess it is time to take them again.


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